Let me begin with a disclaimer: I love–love–Tudor-era England. Henry VIII and his dysfunctional spawn fascinate me to no end. Why were they all bent on killing or dethroning each other? Why couldn’t they just make up their minds on the religion thing? The world may never know.

Keeping this tidbit in mind, please take my opinions here with a giant block of salt (does salt come in blocks?). I found it extremely hard to focus on Elizabeth: The Golden Age as a work of historical fiction because I was too busy analyzing the film’s historical accuracy–or, in this case, inaccuracy.

/begin nerdy historical rant

While Cate Blanchett pulls off a breathtaking performance (as expected), The Golden Age suffers from a symptom the first Elizabeth also displayed: a belief that the audience lacks the ability to understand nuance. The great religious upheaval of the 1500’s is boiled down to practically a cartoonish level of simplicity; all the Protestants are confident, pretty and carry themselves with a modern-day swagger, while the Catholics crouch in dark corners, speak in a series of hisses and cross themselves every five seconds. Philip II of Spain, the man with whom Elizabeth’s sister supposedly fell in love after only seeing his portrait, is portrayed as an effeminate religious fanatic with a prominent movement disability. Yes, these people were probably less than saintly in real life, but does director Shekhar Kapur really believe the audience can’t spot a kook unless he’s a caricature of the real thing?

Also, Cate Blanchett is 38. When the events shown in the movie were really happening, Elizabeth was 55. Another attempt to make history more palatable to the lowest common denominator. Sigh.

/end rant

Even if you don’t give a rat’s patooty about things being textbook-friendly, Elizabeth: The Golden Age probably still won’t wow you with its entertainment value. It’s a nice enough film to look at; Kapur brings the era to life with lots of gorgeous colors and distractingly flawless updos (the wig budget alone must have topped five figures). It does have some decent action scenes (historically bunk action scenes, but I digress). The supporting cast is fantastic, notably Samantha Morton as Mary, Queen of Scots and Abbie Cornish as Elizabeth’s favorite maid-in-waiting gone wild.

Despite all the melodrama, the movie includes far too many ho-hum scenes in which the actors seem to be posing for promotional photos rather than acting. Shot: Elizabeth marches around regally. Shot: Elizabeth looks at herself in the mirror. Shot: Elizabeth stares at something for an extended period of time, saying nothing. Half the film seems like nothing but a photo op.

In summation, I give you an Austin Audience exclusive: the director’s checklist for “how to make Elizabeth a super awesome success.”

 

Elizabeth: The Golden Age stars Cate Blanchett, Clive Owen, Geoffrey Rush, Rhys Ifans, Samantha Morton, Jordi Mollà